Here’s something I wrote a couple years ago but never posted. I’ll try to post all of the drafts to clear the decks for a new set of posts about more recent events. Well here we go.
A few days ago my 9-year-old son (he’s now 11) saw me typing up some draft for legacydaily.com.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Well, I am typing up a new post for my blog.” I responded.
“I just don’t understand why you would write anything if nobody is reading it.”
I was a little surprised. At some point, I must have mentioned to him that few people visit the site but that must have been a very long time ago as I had forgotten completely. My beautiful wife walked in at that second and said “he’s doing it for you so that some day you’ll know what your father thought.” My son gave her and then me a puzzled look. He already knew what I thought, why would I want to write it down for him again. Now I am seriously thinking about this. By the time, he becomes interested in anything I write here, would any of this still be relevant especially if I had shared much of it with him throughout his journey anyway. I suspect he’s right… as usual. Maybe deep down I must have a need to share some thoughts from time to time with anyone who cares to listen and maybe I write this just for myself. But if I write it for myself, shouldn’t I go back and read it from time to time? Fine! I will read it and improve what I have written from time to time.
So here it goes… again.
Recently, I shared with my wife that only a few years ago, I took many issues extremely close to my heart to the point of often feeling hurt. She called it OCD among other things. Somehow in the last year or two, things haven’t bothered me quite to the same degree and I have been able to deal with them with a lot less internal pain. She said… “Honey you’re growing up.” (this was a couple years ago, now things are even easier but more about that at another time)
Having gone through so much mental anguish in my short life, I wish I could somehow make sure that my kids didn’t go through this on their journeys. But perhaps that’s the necessary rite of passage into a new stage of adulthood, the realization that one cannot address everything (fix the world) and maybe God (using the world as his tool) mocks us saying “It’s you who needs fixing and I am working on it.” Well, God wins, perhaps to ensure that I can protect myself a bit to be more focused. Years ago, I remember thinking if I only cared a lot more, the world would reciprocate (they are after all basically good people). Well it didn’t. Now I am thinking that they were all at different stages of their passage. Since I was blind I naively thought they all cared as much as I did but some must have even reached the point of not caring at all. Having dialed down the internal pain, I can now address the fewer things with even more energy but I know again the world will mock me by dialing up the challenges. I know she’ll smile but I am so easygoing.
The next challenge… learning how to have multiple winning paths and possible winning ultimate outcomes in each action. Similar to a game of chess, some of us think in linear patterns… if I do X, the world will do Y, then I will do Z, while others think if I do A, B, C, the world can respond with A1, B1, C1, A2, B2, C2, which open doors K, L, M, N to allow me to do D, E, F and every path (such as A-D, A-E, C-D, B-F, etc.) is an acceptable path. I know I’ll just come to find out that world has already mastered this too, so my lovely wife will again say… “Honey you’re growing up.”