How To Find Your Perfect Match

To continue my comments on relationships, I’m writing some thoughts on how we can find our perfect match. It is a bit long, I’m sorry; but I hope it’s worth your time. I am probably not the best person to answer this question as it was very easy for me to find my perfect match. However, my belief is that there is no magic formula and there are no simple answers. Here are some of my observations in case you find them helpful.

Be worthy of some else’s life and commitment. This is similar to trust, in that you have to be trustworthy before you can trust or be trusted. You have to be good in all departments of your life before you can ask others to be good in theirs. Chances are you will find your match to be of similar caliber to yourself. The higher your own caliber, qualities, integrity, values, and standards, the higher your expectations can be of your match. I do not believe in stark contrast (“opposites attract…”) in married people as I expect that would create too many points of conflict. Also, as mentioned before, I believe two people generally converge in many ways after marriage. If your caliber is high and that of your match is low, you can expect a gradual decline. The opposite is also true. In other words, always look for someone better than yourself but make sure you do everything you can to deserve him/her.

Help the right one find you. You can do so by exhibiting the qualities that your perfect match would seek. If you want someone who wants an honest spouse, then be honest. If you seek someone who wants a pleasant spouse, then be pleasant. If you are too afraid to be open, then perhaps others will not get to know the real you.

Be extremely honest with yourself and others. All of this is a waste if you are not brutally honest with yourself and others. Honesty is like the 20/20 vision but with a twist. Without it you cannot see clearly. The twist is that without you being honest, others cannot see clearly either.

Exhibit the values you solicit in others. You cannot expect someone to have high moral standards if you do not have them. You cannot expect others to respect their parents, if you do not respect yours.

Know yourself and what you want to become (or do not want to become). You must know who you are and where you want to go. Living with your perfect match will result in both of you changing, very slowly but constantly. Your values, qualities and life converge over time to a point where your individual life becomes close to meaningless (until your next transition back to an individual). If you try to keep that individualistic side strong, your internal struggle will be great and the results unpredictable. At least, I have not found any way or seen any couples to do so successfully while maintaining a super strong bond. We must open ourselves to change when we commit our life to someone else. This change can either be positive or negative but is basically up to you. You should know where you are headed.

Get to know the whole family and allow access to your family. As individuals, we are the product of our family environment and we bring most of that baggage (good or bad) with us into the families we form. How can you know someone or let someone get to know you, without access to one of the most defining factors in life — our families. You must create plenty of opportunities (remotely or live) for people to get to know each other. My wife unfortunately did not have such an opportunity. This was I believe a point of some anxiety until she got to meet my family. Since every child is a mirror of a family, so was I a mirror of my family. However, the picture gets clearer once our matches meet the rest of the family.

Allow others to be free with you, listen all the time. You cannot get to know someone well unless they are free and open with you and unless you are listening very carefully with all your senses. Too many marriages fall apart because the free and honest relationship is not formed early on. It is far better for you for things to fall apart before you commit to someone for life and then find out you did not know him/her well enough. Therefore, learn to let others to be free and open with you and listen to them, get to know them and honor who they are. The resulting relationship will only grow and get better over time.

Commit for life – know your limits. In a divorce, at least two lives are ruined or severely hurt. Therefore the minimum bar must be commitment for life. If you are honest with yourself, know your limits, or realize that you cannot commit to someone for your whole life, do not ruin theirs by trying things out with hopes of it working out eventually. Serious commitment requires hard work. You must know your abilities and willingness to make your marriage work before you commit and require commitment from your perfect match.

Do not get discouraged or give up. Often it takes time, sometimes it takes a really long time to meet our best match. In my case, I knew who I wanted to marry at age 19 and I married her at age 21. Did I do everything above? I certainly tried very hard. However, there is always an element of luck, an element of divine intervention and an element of hope. Do not get discouraged, do not settle for a second choice, never settle because of “circumstances”, and never lose hope; instead always keep looking for your best friend for life.

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